The idiots guide to overthinking everything
Opinions are like arseholes - everyone has one. But theories are like pringles - you’ve got to have at least 25.
So let’s pop open a can filled with ideas and suppositions which will either leave you feeling satiated, slightly nauseous, or both.
Quick note for the pedants: I know the difference between a theory and a hypothesis. Theory just sounds cooler. Deal with it.
1. Stereotypes theory
Stereotypes often persist not because they're broadly accurate, but because they latch onto a kernel of truth within a small, often highly visible, subgroup.
For example, most French people are very nice. But a small number are very French.
2. Watch the world burn theory
Everyone says they want things to be better. But for a small number of people it isn’t true.
They don’t even want to make things better for themselves at the expense of others. Worse for everyone will do.
3. In high spirits theory
The availability of alcohol, and it’s total social acceptance, has driven a narrative that it suits everyone and every situation.
But booze isn’t for everyone. Sometimes an open bar comes at a cost.
If it makes you angry or overly emotional then sorry, but it isn’t for you.
4. Wagyu theory
If you put the word wagyu in front of something you can charge people double, and they will thank you for it.
Wagyu fries? Definitely sprinkled with premium Japanese cow. Wagyu cupcakes? Sure, the cow probably mooed near the batter.
Enjoy your luxury experience.
5. Overseasoned theory
There are only 2 seasons: Winter and Summer.
Winter is either coming, or it is already here. Everything else is marketing.
6. Phoning it in theory
Smart phones, and specifically photos and videos, are destroying social events and cultural attractions.
I can accept that without the pictures you might forget, but at least you experienced it in the first place.
The counter argument is the photos and videos are memories. This is false. Your memory won’t be of the event - your memory will be of the video of the event. You only ever saw it through a screen. You weren’t really there.
There’s no point documenting life while missing it.
7. Engagement theory
There are 2 kinds of manipulative films.
The first, overt emotional manipulation, relies on cheap tactics like sentimental music and simplistic characters to elicit an emotional response. This approach is generally recognised as manipulative and often criticised for its lack of subtlety.
The second happens through covert manipulation and is far more insidious. This occurs when a film excels in its technical aspects – strong cinematography, acting, directing, writing, and production – and garners critical acclaim.
Those elements create a cloak of engagement, through quality and authority, subtly manipulating the viewer into accepting the film's message without critical examination.
Ask yourself: Was I not entertained?
8. Jump the shark theory
There is no such thing as a perfect tv show.
Take, for example, the Sopranos episode where Tony falls into a coma and becomes a businessman named Kevin, or the infamous ‘fly’ episode of Breaking Bad, where Walter becomes obsessed with catching a fly that could contaminate the meth lab. Better yet, take McNulty’s entire character arc in season 5 of The Wire. What the fuck did he do?
Am I really meant to see this as brilliant explorations of these characters, or are they simply bizarre creative detours?
This doesn't mean that great TV shows don't exist. Far from it. But true perfection, with every episode a flawless gem, is an elusive goal.
9. Red flags theory
Friendships have red flags just like relationships.
Example: If they say “I don’t get hangovers”, run. That’s not a flex - it’s a warning. Either they’re a medical marvel, or they party so hard that their body has given up trying to recover. Either way, their life choices will ruin yours.
Another is the “hate to say I told you so” friend. Real mates love to tell you when you have fucked up. We live for it. We gave you advice so profound it could have been etched on a marble tablet, you ignored it, and now we are going to drink your negligent tears.
This is not to be confused with the dreaded ‘hindsight heroes’. These coulda/shoulda/woulda vultures give no advice and just descend after the disaster, pecking at your emotional remains. Always consider:
Is this a helpful thing to say?
Is now the right time to say it?
Also, watch out for the pirates amongst the real friend ships. Example: If you always have to make the plans or deal with their emotional issues - stop. Don’t be somebody’s secretary or counsellor. People get paid for that.
10. Bitter sweet sympathy theory
We need to retire the modern version of sympathy. It has become a toxic wolf in sheep’s clothing.
The changing nature of language and conversation has turned sympathy from something that was well meaning (trying to genuinely understand someone else’s pain and distress) into performative empathy (feeling sorry for someone - but only from the listeners point of view).
Experiences may sound similar on the surface but still be totally different. Telling someone you know how they feel doesnt mean you necessarily feel what they feel.
Relating to someone doesn’t mean validating yourself through comparison and one-upmanship.
11. Better the devil you know theory
The only way to truly know someone is by either living or holidaying with them.
You need to see them at their worst, but also to pass that point where either of you have anything of value to say to each other.
The people who know me best have met morning Niall, hungover Niall and ironing shirts on a Sunday evening Niall. They have the full picture.
12. Performative parenting theory
The parents who seem to be trying the most are actually the least attentive with their children.
Parenting is not a play to be acted out in front of others. The world is not a stage and we are not your audience.
And talking at your kid constantly is not parenting, it’s abuse.
13. Babyface theory
Newborn babies don’t look like either the mother or the father. Newborn babies look like Winston Churchill.
Anyone who claims otherwise is either blind or delusional.
14. Sleigh it ain’t so theory
Christmas has a worse comedown than class A drugs.
You begin with the magical childhood high, floating on a cloud, until you find out the awful truth about Santa. At least, you think, that creep doesn’t actually see me when I’m sleeping.
The second crash comes in adulthood. After years of festive pub crawls, your mates all pair off, spawn, and suddenly discover ‘responsibilities’. Worst of all, you do too.
The final, most devastating crash? The sheer, unadulterated ‘joy’ of Christmas with your own kids. They are more interested in the cardboard box the presents came in than the actual presents. Meanwhile, you consider setting up a direct debit to Duracell. Big Battery has won this round.
15. Departure theory
Planes never leave on time.
Moving the plane around the airport is like me rearranging the furniture in my living room and calling it a holiday. Sure, something is happening, but am I any closer to that beach in Barbados?
16. The bigger the lie theory
The ‘Irish Goodbye’ is a blatant character assassination on a national scale.
For those not in the know (lucky you): An Irish goodbye, or Irish exit, is the act of leaving a social gathering without saying goodbye. Apparently we are wizards, disappearing without a trace in a kind of Guinness fuelled Houdini tribute act.
It is generally perceived as a rude thing to do. Even though, I must admit, it has its appeal as an elite time management technique.
But let’s get real. Irish people sneaking out of parties without saying goodbye? Have you ever met an Irish person? If anything, we are biologically incapable of leaving. Saying goodbye at an Irish gathering is a full day event that includes at least three rounds of ‘one more for the road’.
Let’s drop this utter slander. Keep the fake news to trivial matters such as elections and vaccines.
17. The QR code conspiracy theory
Forget flat earth, chemtrails or trying to figure out who replaced Avril Lavigne. The real conspiracy is why the tech bros are so intent on us using QR codes.
Subtly introduced during a global pandemic, these digital rorschach tests are designed to make you question reality.
I look forward to the modern terrifying revival 'Harry Potter and the QR Code of Death' - with Harry trapped in a Wetherspoons, in an endless, awkward dance with a tiny pixelated square.
Why would pubs and restaurants, the one place you want people to be off their fucking phones, introduce such nonsense?
Did the deep state bring it in to make the rest of us feel incompetent? Either that, or they’re just modern hieroglyphs meant to confuse future archaeologists. Either way, I refuse to trust them.
18. Besides me there is no god theory
People who sign off e-mails with a single letter are the worst humans to ever exist.
By leaving us with just an enigmatic "R." or "T.”, they force us to dwell on their cryptic confidence. It seems less about saying goodbye, and more about declaring, 'You know who I am.'
Are they being efficient? Aloof? Do they think we refer to them that way when they are not around..."What did 'K.' really mean by 'Let's circle back next week'?"
If it is about saving time, rather than just being cold and pretentious, then I have advice for them: zero letters beats one letter in the race to say absolutely nothing.
19. I don’t like mondays theory
Contrary to popular belief, school is actually the worst days of your life. The only prize is eventually being allowed to leave.
Think about it: no freedom, no choice, forced into a uniform like the prisoners you literally are. They call it education, but really, it’s survival. And what did we get in return? Years of French lessons, only to emerge into adulthood incapable of ordering a croissant or asking where the bathroom is. C'est ridicule!
And who were our esteemed prison guards? Well, let’s see. My personal standout memory: a primary school teacher marching our entire class to the local church to give confession. As a 11-year-old in 1996, my greatest sin was having to invent sins just to fill the awkward silence in the confessional box. But apparently, that wasn't enough. Back in the classroom, this same teacher assured us that if a knife-wielding maniac burst into the room, we should welcome death - because we were now "without sin." Jesus wept.
People who nostalgically pine for their school days are like Andy Dufresne longing to be back in Shawshank - except instead of escaping through a river of sewage, they’ve somehow convinced themselves that wading through years of stress, embarrassment, and algebra was the good life.
20. The fixed penalty fair theory
Penalties are a dreadfully unfair way to decide the winner of a football game.
Don’t get me wrong: penalties are clearly exciting, nail-biting entertainment. Even if it feels like deciding the world chess championships by playing tiddlywinks.
The problem is the team that wins the coin toss to shoot first is 22% more likely to win the game. This is because of the psychological pressure of ‘lagging behind’ put on the team going second.
I suggest after extra time, we go to golden goal (next goal wins), with one player taken off both teams every five minutes until a goal is scored.
Imagine it: a slow, agonising descent into madness, where tactical formations become chaotic scrambles - a Royal Rumble of football!
By the time we are down to 3-a-side after 160 minutes, with the players knees held together with sheer willpower, someone will score.
Or we keep penalties. England lose at them regularly, so they do have a special place in my heart.
At least the coin toss is 50/50. Maybe that’s fair enough.
21. Stars aligned theory
The problem with rating systems is that people don’t know how to rate things appropriately.
It's not the system that's the villain here. Nope. It's the self-appointed grading gurus, the folks who think a perfect score is as mythical as a unicorn riding a unicycle. "Always room for improvement!" they declare.
Do these clowns realise they are effectively scoring out of 4 and not 5? They fell at the first hurdle. And they had one job, one hurdle.
Think of all the damage they have done: A landscape of ruined listings on Google, Trip Adviser and Airbnb, not to mention the tearful Uber drivers on 3.8, trying to pay back the rent on a Mercedes while raising three kids.
Let's be honest, the whole rating thing feels a bit icky anyway. Plus, the people on the receiving end are usually hustling harder for way less than we are.
22. Now you sushi me theory
Sushi is the most deceptive food. Too easy to make look good, much harder to make taste good.
That’s it, that’s the theory.
23. The good, the bad & the ugly theory
There are three kinds of inbox management.
The Archivists of Order: These are the heroes who walk amongst us. The meticulous folder fanatics, categorisung every email. Their inboxes are pristine.
The Search Bar Savants: These are the rebels, the free spirits, the "I'll find it when I need it" cowboys of the digital frontier. Their inboxes resemble a landfill.
The Inbox Anarchists: These are the true madmen, the nihilists who embrace the chaos. They have no system, no method, no hope. Their inboxes make you wish Y2K happened.
24. Kafkaescape theory
A frantic person is the most difficult to manage.
We have tools and techniques for handling other emotional states, including people who are violent, distressed or afraid. But rational thinking has no effect on a frantic person.
Much like the people who dislike pineapple on pizza, having never tried pineapple on pizza - logic and reasoning will not do. Wormtongue has taken hold of the frantic person, and you have no power here Gandalf the Grey.
This is not to be confused with anxiety. While both involve heightened emotional and physical states, anxiety is a persistent state of worry and apprehension, whereas being frantic is a more immediate, reactive state of intense, often disorganised behaviour. It’s also much more annoying.
The only strategy is to state your case clearly, then move out of their way. Run if you have to.
But don’t forget to remind them of your stated case later, in an overly self-satisfied way. That is a key ingredient. And it will definitely be met with appreciation.
25. Arsehole theory
Back to the beginning, talking about arseholes. Classy.
I’d like to end by challenging an existing theory. It goes like this: If you think everyone else in the room is an arsehole, you're the arsehole.
I’ve never understood this. What if you are in a room full of Nazis?
What if you are a police officer or journalist undercover in a violent gang? Are you meant to look around the room and think ‘Well these gentlemen outnumber me, so I must be the wrong’un’.
It's possible that someone could be in a genuinely toxic environment where everyone is behaving poorly.
Truthfully, arseholes already know they are arseholes. Isolate yourself from such concerns by simply not being one. If in doubt follow these rules:
Be nice, consistently
Accept that people make mistakes
But don’t be a fool. And, if necessary, crush your enemies with the power of a thousand suns
Should we sympathise with these people? The idea that ‘hurt people hurt people’, is true. But it’s complex.
While some studies indicate a correlation between experiencing bullying and engaging in bullying behavior, it's not a universal truth. Other factors, such as personality traits, social environment, and upbringing, also play a role in behaviour.
Ultimately, it's important to be self-aware and to take responsibility for your own actions and reactions.
Put simply: Let’s not retroactively try to explain poor behaviour. No excuses for rudeness. No excuses for arseholes.
